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What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 1:9-14 NIV) - >O N D O G S A N D C A T S > >First, the dogs ... > >Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have Yards To Protect > >NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front >yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every >morning >for that purpose. > >VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across >the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human >falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl >gently >to show your concern. > >BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a >lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. >Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. >There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in >the >middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ... > >LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before >licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch >your >human a towel. > >HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and >upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so >they >won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each >hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in >the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. > >DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the >family dog to sleep. > >THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is >duty, >as the family dog, to accommodate them. > >DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when >there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. >It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. > >HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as >much >of the house as possible. > >GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your >master >or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. > >COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all >your humans have gone to bed. > >PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the >flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. > >CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never -- quite -- catch >them. It spoils all the fun. > >CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry ... eat a shoe. > >=============== > >And now for the cats ... > >Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss >on >your computer. -- Bruce Graham > >There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. -- Unknown > >Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never >forgotten this. -- Anonymous > >Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled >through snow. -- Jeff Valdez > >In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. -- English proverb > >Cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many >ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. -- Joseph >Wood Krutch > >People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. -- Faith >Resnick > >There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned >by >cats. -- > >I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is >infinitely superior. -- Hippolyte Taine > >There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and >cats. >-- Albert Schweitzer > >Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they >have many other fine qualities as well. -- Missy Dizick > >You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange >cats. -- Colonial American proverb > >Cats aren't clean; they're just covered with cat spit. -- Unknown > >Managing senior programmers is like herding cats. -- Dave Platt > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > G E N I E I N T H E L A M P > >A man was walking along California beach when he stumbled across an old >lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. > >The genie said, "OK, so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, >but >this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these >wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish." > >The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always >wanted >to go to Hawaii, but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So >could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?" > >The genie laughed and replied, "That's impossible. Think of the >logistics >of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? >Think of how much concrete ... how much steel!!!! No, you'll have to >think of another wish." > >The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said. "I've >been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't >care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. >To >know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment. To >know why they are crying. To know what they want when they say "nothing >..." > >The genie listened to the man's angst intently and replied, "You want >that >bridge two lanes or four?" > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > P U N C T U A T I O N I S E V E R Y T H I N G > >An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" >on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. > >The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." >The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > T O P T E N R E A S O N S T O S T A Y S I N G L E > >10. Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment. > 9. I wouldnt have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with > "those" pants. > 8. I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please. > 7. I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here". > 6. I'd be painting the town instead of the house. > 5. I could show my girlfriend where I live. > 4. I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan. > 3. The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling. > 2. I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now. > 1. I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my > underwear! > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > T H E S T A R R R E P O R T > >Federal Bureau of Investigation >Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Washington, D.C. >D.N.A. Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson > >Dear Mr. Starr, > > The test on the dress came back inconclusive. > > Everyone in Arkansas has the same D.N.A. > >Best Regards, > >F.B.I. > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > R U L E S G U Y S W I S H G I R L S K N E W . . . > > > 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. > 2. Learn to work the toilet seat -- if it's up put it down. > 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. > 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if >he > can find the perfect present, again! > 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer > you don't want to hear. > 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. > 7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to > discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and >monster > trucks. > 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just like > every other cat. > 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. >10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the > tides. Let it be. >11. Shopping is not sport. >12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. >13. You have enough clothes. >14. You have too many shoes. >15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to > like it. >16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your >Dad > probably is too. >17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. >18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark > anniversaries on a calendar. >19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from > pointblank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. >20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. WHAT makes you think >we'd > be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good > with your dress? >21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. >22. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a > doctor. >23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. >24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. >25. Check your oil. >26. Don't give us fifty rules when twenty-five will do. >27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. >28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz > together. >29. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an > argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. >30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect >us > to act like soap opera guys. >31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the >ways > makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. >32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how > pretty you are? >33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. >34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it >done > -- not both. >35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during > commercials. >36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. >37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to > complain about having their boobs stared at. >38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you > do. >39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are air brushed > makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to > deter us from reading the magazines. >40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two > months we were going out. > ------------------------------------------------------------------- Unsubscribe? mailto:type3-request@vwtype3.org, Subject: unsubscribe