Tools

[Mbrew@aol.com]

Hi Everybody,

Thanks for the suggestions so far re giving Dudley a transplant.  The
following definitions aren't T3 specific but are relevant just the same.

                             TOOLS

HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
  nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
  car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents of
  cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
  particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
  tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:  Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets
  in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works
great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports
car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
  board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked,
  unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
  its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:  Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is
  available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting those
stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth
  socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?)
because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo
lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER:  See oxyacetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:  Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old
  Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no
  good reason.

DRILL PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
  the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
  against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
  somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also
  removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
  about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground
  after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
  springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:  Used for levering a car upward
  off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:  A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:  Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
  another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:  Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
  for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
  your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:  A tool that snaps off in bolt
  holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT:  A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
  buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:  A handy tool for testing the
  tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines
  you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:  A large motor mount prying
  tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:  A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:  See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:  The mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin"  which is not otherwise found under cars at night.  Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about  the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say,  the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often
                                                    dark than light, its name
is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also
be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR:  A machine that takes energy produced in a
  coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
  compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
  impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
  40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds
them off.

Mike Kasold 
'67 squareback "Dudley"